Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares some of the ways schools are changing their curriculum.
Updating the periodic table of chemical elements to include “Jesusonium.”
Banning murder and adultery in schools.
Requiring students to yell the “under God” part of the Pledge of Allegiance.
Covering way more incest in sex ed class.
Adjusting dress codes to include year-round open-toe sandal wearing.
Streamlining woodshop options to “table,” “ark,” or “cross.”
Including Bible-inspired exercises in gym class, like flee-the-Jew and stone-the-idolater.
Renaming all 272 high school football teams “the Crusaders.”
Emphasizing the importance of shunning lepers in health class.
Performing frog crucifixions in biology.
Instituting a Christmas break.
